I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
