Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Randomize
