i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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