I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
