What did we do last night that was yellow?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
