im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
