Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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