I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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