Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
