Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
