The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
