I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
