When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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