That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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