Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize