Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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