she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Randomize
