I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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