T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
