I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
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