Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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