If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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