Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
