Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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