Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
