new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize
