between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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