I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
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