Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
