I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
