I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
