What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i dont even know how to be here
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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