3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Randomize
