Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
