It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Randomize
