I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
