Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
