I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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