I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
