his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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