I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
fuck your aforementioned shoe
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
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