So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
