your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize