The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
