I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
