It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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