dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
