John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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