I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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