Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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