I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
