Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
