I want to make a zoo with you.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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