Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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