Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
