i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Randomize
