I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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